2015: The Year In Movies In Haiku

Who’s got time to read about movies in this, our mad future-world of robot slaves and humans on the moon and fish teleportation? One if not two thousand words on a single subject? That way lies madness.

So here for you now I present the year in movies in easily digestible haiku form. Nowhere else on the interwebs will you find such convenience! These movie reviews are so short your dog could read them, yet so incisive you could use them to chisel a fifth head into Mt. Rushmore. Read them on the site, tweet them into the æther, or write them on the backs of your coworkers’ necks. You can take them anywhere!

Mind you, these haiku don’t cover every 2015 release. They are limited to (most of) the movies I saw. Also of note, they do not adhere to the old 5-7-5 syllable scheme, because, as no doubt you are aware, Japanese haiku are not measured in syllables, they are measured in on, 17 of them. On do not correspond to syllables. Translators of Japanese haiku find they usually wind up at about 12 syllables in English.

So let’s just assume these have been translated from the ancient Japanese masters. Blame any unsatisfying ones on my poor translation skills. One haiku per movie, except in the case of Fury Road. Why? Because Fury Road!

 

Amy

An ethereal voice

cries for help;

nobody listens.

 

Anomalisa

Two puppets screwing

in a world full of

Noonans.

 

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Will the universe

be saved from evil?

find out next time.

 

The Babadook

Dear sweet boy,

let me read you a book—

dead dog.

babadook dog book

Beasts of No Nation

Orphaned boy

finds a new father—

war.

 

Bone Tomahawk

Doing the splits

never looked less fun—

troglodytes.

 

Can’t Stand Losing You: Surviving The Police

Naked girls

and a guitar on the bed;

call it rock and roll.

 

Carol

Love overheard—

never trust a man selling

notions.

 

Chappie

Robot child

fights MOOSE;

dies.

 

Citizenfour

Not for money

this exposing of lies;

goodbye, America.

 

Cobain: Montage of Heck

Boy mistakes fame

for love—

suicide.

 

Cop Car

Bleeding man

tied up in the trunk

needs a friend.

 

Creed

Young man helps

the old man climb the steps

one last time.

 

The Diary of A Teenage Girl

Sex with mom’s boyfriend

is one way

to grow up fast.

diary of a teenage girl car

Dope

Criminal business

sends nerd to college;

what the fuck?

 

The Duke of Burgundy

Roomful of dummies—

the sad naked ladies

play games like bugs.

 

The End of The Tour

Be careful

whose career

you wish for.

 

Everest

The highest mountain—

because it’s there,

you will die.

 

Ex Machina

Never mind

the Turing test—

dance, robot girl, dance!

ex machina dancin

Experimenter

We do

what we’re told

to do.

 

The Forbidden Room

Aswang bananas

warn the amnesiac flower girl

of backward footfalls.

 

The Gift

Bully gets

his comeuppance?

fantasy film.

 

Going Clear: Scientology and The Prison of Belief

Trapped in a closet,

forever,

with Tom Cruise.

 

The Hateful Eight

Drink the coffee

or don’t drink the coffee;

either way, you’re dead.

 

Hitchcock/Truffaut

Two men,

one translator—

movies.

 

Hits

Hipsters swarm,

daughter seethes—

the racist’s pothole.

 

Inside Out

The blue road

to happiness—

Bing Bong!

inside out bing bong cloud

It Follows

Make love

and die—

welcome to adulthood.

 

Jurassic World

Which one

of these dinosaurs

ate the script?

 

Kill Me Three Times

Dumb people with guns

again?

kill me first.

 

Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Stanley’s Dr. Moreau

Man wearing dog mask

returns to the scene of

the crime.

 

Love & Mercy

Genius hides

inside his own head—

finds orchestra.

 

Mad Max: Fury Road

Beautiful mothers

in the belly of a war rig—

the blood bag speaks.

 

Witness me!

I ride to Valhalla,

shiny and chrome.

fury road war boys

Maps To The Stars

Children eat

their movie star parents;

bad babysitter.

 

The Martian

Lost on Mars,

how will he survive?

poo potatoes.

 

Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

Rogue on the run,

caught at last?

don’t hold your breath.

 

The Overnight

Below the LA sky

a tiny dick

bounces.

 

A Pigeon Sat on A Branch Reflecting on Existence

Fireblown horns

on a copper wheel—

nightmare.

pigeon sat on a branch copper

Predestination

The snake of life

ever eating its tail—

are you my mommy?

 

Reality

The itchy man

wearing a rat costume

isn’t the weird part.

 

Red Army

Little boy skates fast,

but may never escape

mother Russia.

 

Results

If

fear excuses surrender,

what next?

 

The Revenant

Severed fingers

bloody in the snow;

the river runs on.

 

Salt of The Earth

From the bleak

to the beautiful

in black and white.

salgado reindeer

The Salvation

The old west

is no place for

a Dane.

 

Shaun The Sheep Movie

A sheep’s buzzcut

on every celebrity head—

amnesiac farmer.

 

Sicario

Old friend

stops by for dinner—

doesn’t eat.

 

Slow West

Love is like

a bullet shot blind

in your heart.

 

Spectre

Madman pokes

the sad man;

pretty girl cries.

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Masked cry-baby

builds planet-destroyer;

third time’s the charm?

 

That Guy Dick Miller

Walter Paisley—

everywhere you turn,

there he is.

ThatGuyDickMiller2

Tomorrowland

Beyond the wheat field

looms a shining objectivist

yawn.

 

Too Late

A life unspools

on the silver screen—

five reels.

 

The Tribe

Exploitation flick

with a gimmick?

I can’t hear you.

 

Turbo Kid

Reborn in the

robot graveyard;

gnomestick!

 

Welcome To Me

Rich loon

rides a television swan—

bad idea.

 

What We Do In The Shadows

Taunting werewolves

is one thing,

but please don’t eat Stu.

 

While We’re Young

Each in their own way

every generation is

full of shit.

while we're young crappy band

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.