Sure. Fine — let’s say this is spoiler free. I guess. Who gives a shit? If you really care about spoilers for Batman v Superman, there’s nothing I can do to help you. You’re dead already and you don’t even know it…
As for me, I can’t honestly review this movie. I don’t know how to review it. The people who made it clearly don’t know how to make one. So, why should I bother to review it like it is one?
Yesterday, I made some predictions in the (deluded) hopes that it would make the viewing experience slightly less painful. Almost like a game!
Oh, boy was I wrong about that helping to numb the ball crushing, bowel twisting agony that is the cinematic ebola known as Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Yes, everything I feared would happen in my pre-review pretty much happened. But it was so much worse than I could have ever expected — like a Republican debate. You know it’s going to be horrific, but then when you actually see it, it devolves into a dick measuring nightmare you never allowed yourself to believe was even possible.
I guess all I can say is Batman v Superman was jam packed with 7-Zark-7. I mean he was all over this thing.
And, if I need to say something positive about the film, at least they got his costume right:
Batman v Superman is the most incompetent movie I’ve ever seen. No hyperbole. Just jaw dropping, brain melting foolishness from first to last frames.
No two scenes have any relation to the other. No character makes any sense. No plan holds any water. No character has any arc that resembles reality or logic.
The effects are abysmal. The action is lifeless. The editing is frenetic and creates no sense of space. It’s one, long opening montage that never ends. It is the cinematic equivalent of the Donal Trump campaign — exactly the kind of movie our empty caloric culture deserves.
On the plus side, the music is hysterical. I mean, I couldn’t stop laughing when the big, thumping soundtrack started rumbling through the theater like a convoy of Immortan Joe’s eighteen wheelers. Oh man, was that ever funny… Thank you Hans Zimmer. Thank you so very much.
Batman v Superman also features the most hysterical “universe building scene” in the history of cinema. Warner Brothers has made a big deal about how this movie introduces us viewers to the idea of a multi-hero reality. And the manner they choose to do so is literally the silliest, laziest, most absurd first-draft-choice a storyteller could make. It’s the kind of creative decision that would result from locking corporate lawyers in a board room with PTA mothers and the San Francisco city council.
And now Warner Brothers is stuck. The Wonder Woman movie is already shot. And the Justice League movie (also directed by Snyder) begins shooting this April. If we lived on a planet ruled by science and merit, Warner Brothers would immediately halt production and burn the sets to the ground. Or at least remove Snyder from the director’s chair.
But they can’t. Warner Brothers has doubled down on Zack Snyder (always a bad idea). I assume the almost universal panning of this film will cause the studio to somehow curb Snyder’s creative influence moving forward. Maybe they’ll babysit him on the set or micromanage the final cut. I assume Snyder won’t get to direct Justice League Part 2: The Quickening. Or maybe Warner Brothers will just keep lumbering along, unable or unwilling to change course. Snyder may very well be the cinematic equivalent of Bear Stearns — too big to fail. And obviously Warner Brothers is afraid of what a course correction means to shareholders if they remove the CEO mid-launch.
Oh, Christ, who cares about the fucking future of the DC Comics Cinematic Universe???? I’m trying right now to think about something I care about less. Kayne West? Anything sports related? The long-term welfare of child molesters?
Batman v Superman also proves a few things beyond any doubt — director Zack Snyder and co-writer David Goyer — otherwise known as SnOyer (TM) — detest comic books. They may claim to love them, but they actually hate them. They hate the values they represent. Hell — I think they hate humanity. Every frame drips with contempt for life.
But they also clearly hate Superman and Batman — as concepts and as characters. Superman is a non-character in this movie. They don’t even let him speak at the very Senate hearing he was called to testify at! You’d think at the very least this would be an opportunity for Superman to state his ideology to the world. It’s right there guys!! What are you doing??? But they don’t bother. Because they don’t understand the character. They don’t like him. And they don’t give a damn.
Batman gets more screen time in this film. And he gets to articulate HIS ideology. It’s kind of nuts. And, as a result, Batman is the biggest idiot in the laziest Idiot Plot I’ve ever seen projected in a movie theater.
In fact, the entire fight between the title characters could’ve been avoided if one of them just said “Hey… wait a minute….” Which, laughably, is pretty much exactly how the fight ends. So, after ten minutes of wanton, frenzied, blood thirsty violence and roughly another 300 million in property damage, the fight ends in a stupendous and unintentionally hysterical “wait… what did you say?” moment.
I actually have no idea what SnOyer thinks about Wonder Woman — she’s such a puzzling, insignificant addition to the movie and has no real time to make any impact whatsoever. You could literally cut her completely out of the movie and it wouldn’t change the plot. So, not really the dazzling introduction the iconic character deserves…
I’ve never seen more screen time wasted in a two hour and 30 minute movie. I mean, they clearly just shot tons of footage, yet none of it amounts to anything. My friend turned to me at the end and said, “I have a quick question — why was Batman versus Superman?”
He then followed up with, “And later — why was Batman NOT versus Superman?”
And the truth is I have literally no idea. It’s obvious the filmmakers (and I use that in only the loosest definition of the term) never bothered to answer that core question. Batman fought Superman because it was in the title. Like it was reverse engineered. “We have a title! Can we just back into a story?”
And the answer was no — no they couldn’t. They didn’t bother to figure it out. The two heroes fought because the title said they had to. And then they stopped fighting because they had to become friends. I don’t know why.
I mean, the “why” SnOyer chose is perhaps the funniest moment in movie history. I started laughing because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing was actually happening. For a second, it seemed like the most elaborate prank in the history of the world. I actually thought the lights in the theater were suddenly going to turn on and SnOyer was going to come out laughing and pointing, saying, “Gotcha!”
My other friend said to me at one point and said, “This isn’t a movie — it’s a shot list.” And he was right. The movie is literally just an endless stream of “neat images” SnOyer and the marketing team dreamed up. Just random stuff. And then it ended.