All-Purpose Marvel Movie Review

(That’s right, kids! Effective for any Marvel movie, new or old, just cut and paste, add in the proper names, and you’ve got yourself a review, free of charge from your friends at Stand By For Mind Control!)

I am thrilled to report that the newest Marvel movie, New Marvel Movie, is the Marvel movie we’ve been waiting for. At last we may put to bed the myth that so-called “comic book movies” are “just for kids.” Though kids will love it, New Marvel Movie is a movie made by adults, for adults. It flawlessly builds on the promise of last year’s hit, Last Year’s Hit Marvel Movie, and, from earlier this year, Marvel Movie From Earlier This Year, to create a film exponentially more thrilling, more powerful, more heartfelt, and just plain more fun.

Previous best Marvel movie

Previous best Marvel movie

We’ve seen in past Marvel movies elements as wildly diverse as comedy, action, and drama, but never before have they been so artfully blended into one non-stop thrill-ride that’s equal parts heart and adventure. Jokes fly fast and furious, but never at the expense of emotion. And although New Marvel Movie is unabashedly a movie about Aliens/Superheroes/Ancient Gods/Space Monkeys—winking asides clue us in to the filmmakers being just as savvy, if not more so, than we the viewers—it treats its hallowed source material with an exquisite balance of reverence and abandon. Hardcore Marvel Comics fans will be just as pleased with the results as casual moviegoers.

New Marvel Movie’s story, as subtly hinted at over the past two years in teasers, trailers, preview clips, advance poster art, interviews, on-set reports, leaked script drafts, blog scoops, television specials, fan fiction, fast-food tie-ins, early release toy lines, tweets, two prior Marvel movie pre-credit tags, and Marvel Movie From Earlier This Year’s post-credit tag, is about Good Man’s conflict with Bad Man.

Somehow this one feels dated already

Somehow this one feels dated already

When we meet Bad Man, played with gusto by Famous Older Actor Thrilled To Get In On This Comic Book Thing Before The Money Runs Out, he’s on the verge of acquiring an object of supreme power, the Glowing Space MacGuffin, and will stop at nothing to get it. The fate of the universe hangs in the balance. Only one man can stop him, and that man is Good Man.

I didn’t know if Up And Coming Actor/Sort Of Famous But Never Starred In A Blockbuster Actor could carry a Marvel movie, but as the strong/funny/self-deprecating Good Man, he does so brilliantly. By turns steely, vulnerable, tortured, sarcastic, and heroic, Good Man is the epitome of the modern Superhero/Alien/Normal Guy Thrust Into Unforseen Fantastic Circumstances. His journey from nobody to savior grounds in heartfelt realism what is otherwise an action-packed blockbuster of extraordinary magnitude.

Take a good look at true love

Take a good look at true love

But to the movie’s credit, it’s not all about Good Man and Bad Man. Key to the movie’s success is Badass Hot Chick, played to the hilt by Blindingly Hot Actress You Can’t Wait To See In Tights. Far from being merely a sidekick or a love interest, Badass Hot Chick proves she’s Good Man’s equal in scene after scene. If you thought Sexy Pants Girl in The Marvel Movie Everyone Loved Best Before This One, played by Walking Masturbation Fantasy, was a strong female role model, get ready to be blown away by Badass Hot Chick. At this rate it’s only a matter of decades before Marvel makes a movie with a woman as the lead.

Marvel has shown impressive daring in their directorial choices, and New Marvel Movie is no exception. Indie Director Itching To Go Big/Beloved Cult Director Desperate For A Hit/Guy Who Directed Multiple Episodes Of That TV Show Everyone Loves/Director No One’s Heard Of Who’s Made A Bunch Of Go-Nowhere Studio Schlock But Ever Since Being Hired By Marvel Nerds Swear Is An Auteur Waiting To Happen brings his unique sensibilities to a story Marvel gave him free reign to shape without the least bit of studio interference, and his fingerprints are everywhere. It’s miraculous that despite showing off his individualist flair, New Marvel Movie is an exact stylistic fit with previous Marvel movies, while at the same time pushing Marvel’s boundaries far into the future.

The special effects are, as always, top notch. The 3D adds immensely to the spectacle instead of detracting, so unlike the superhero movies made by Studio Always Trashed In Articles About Marvel Studios. See New Marvel Movie in your local Imax theater or don’t bother.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Coming soon!

Coming soon!

Let’s talk about that amazing post-credits tag, and what it means for Phases 4 through 27 of the Marvel release schedule. For those of you new to the comics, that was Psychedelic Evil Wizard Alien Cyborg Man you saw milking that moon goat/stroking the hair of that tri-breasted half naked vixen/ogling the Glowing Space MacGuffin (Oh no! He’s got the Glowing Space MacGuffin now?), and no, you’re not mistaken, they actually got Notoriously Odd And Awesome Actor You Can’t Believe Is In One Of These Fucking Movies to play him!

This is another smart move by Marvel. Comics fans have been clamoring to see Psychedelic Evil Wizard Alien Cyborg Man since First Marvel Movie came out so many years ago, but never dreamed the studio would have the balls to include him. Famously, he was only briefly featured in the fabled run of issues drawn by Comics Artist 45-Year-Old Comic-Con Attendees Insist Is On A Par With Van Gogh. Everyone in the know knows that Psychedelic Evil Wizard Alien Cyborg Man is the key to Marvel’s future.

END SPOILERS!

New Marvel Movie begins a new and exciting chapter in the expanding Marvel Universe. It’s going to be tough to top it, though a sequel is already in the works, and word’s out that next year’s Marvel movie, Next Year’s Marvel Movie, written and directed by Director Nerds On The Internet Argue At Soul-Crushing Length Is Better Than Kubrick, is going to be the best feature film since Birth Of A Nation. I can’t wait!

5 responses on “All-Purpose Marvel Movie Review

  1. This makes a great double feature with the Evil Genius’ recent review of Guardians of the Galaxy. You guys are funny.

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.