So that movie came out. You know, the big one with all those toys and marketing tie ins and upcoming spin off movies? And I gotta say, Sisters really lived up to the hype.
But after I saw Sisters, I decided to see that Star Wars movie. Full disclosure, small, independent films are hard for me to follow. I prefer stories that are spoon fed to me. You know, by directors like Werner Herzog and David Lynch and Peter Weir. So, when I watch art house movies like Star Wars, I end up leaving with more questions than I have answers. Questions like…
Why is there a map that shows exactly where Luke is? I mean, like right down to the very staircase he’s apparently spent 15 years standing at the top of?
But seriously, who made the map? If Luke made it, why would he do that? And if he didn’t, then who did?
And why does Artoo have MOST of the map? Why does Max Von Sydow have the last part?
And speaking of Max Von Sydow, who is he anyway? He can’t be a Jedi, right? They say Luke’s the only one left. So, was Max just a Ben Kenobi Cosplayer? Was he going to JediCon 2016 right before he got killed?
It was also kind of a strange choice to totally destroy the character of Luke Skywalker. I mean, the guy is seriously a GIANT ASSHOLE for just GIVING UP on his cause and his friends. “Good luck fighting the war I helped make! I’m outta here!”
What a dick.
And why exactly did Luke give up? Because he was so shocked one of his students went bad and killed the rest of them? Didn’t he always suspect this was a POSSIBILITY? I’m pretty sure something EXACTLY LIKE THIS happened once before. I dunno, I could be wrong. But I think maybe I saw it in a movie or some cartoons or something.
And, boy that Finn guy sure is funny and idealistic FOR SOMEONE WHO WAS KIDNAPPED AT BIRTH AND RAISED BY AN ARMY. How did he get all that radical personality anyway in a MILITARY ORPHANAGE SOLELY DESIGNED TO CREATE MINDLESS KILLING MACHINES WITHOUT NAMES?
I’m no big Hollywood film writer, but sure seems it would have made more sense if Finn had been drafted into the First Order as an adult. Maybe Leia’s Resistance had the First Order against the ropes and they needed new recruits to push back against the plucky general. Then new recruit Finn is stunned to discover the First Order goes around slaughtering innocent people. “Oh God! What have I done? I totally sided with the wrong people! I gotta get the fuck out of here!”
I dunno… seems like that would’ve made more sense. But I could be wrong. Maybe lots of those kidnapped, brainwashed boys in Africa told Kony to fuck off during those Uganda massacres. I wasn’t there, but guess it sounds reasonable…
By the way, if you state in the opening crawl that the movie is about Leia looking for Luke, maybe you should actually make the movie be about Leia looking for Luke.
Seriously — what was the story of this Star Wars movie? I literally don’t know. I know what happened. But I can’t figure out what it was ABOUT.
It wasn’t about Leia searching for Luke. She was too busy fighting the First Order. And it sure wasn’t about Leia and Han trying to win back the soul of their son. That seemed like an afterthought. There were only a couple scenes about it in the whole movie! One where Han and Leia say, “Man, I wish our weird, mass murdering son would come home.” And then another where Adam Driver kills Han. That’s it!
And was anyone really surprised that Han was murdered like a chump? I wasn’t. I mean, not because Harrison Ford has been complaining for thirty years in the press about Han not dying. But because that was literally the ONLY WAY the scene as designed could play out. We’d never seen Kylo Ren be anything other than a bloodthirsty murderer. I mean, sure, he tells his grandfather’s mask he feels the Light Side of the Force sometimes, but I didn’t really believe him.
And then there’s that one scene where Giant Gollum doubts Kylo has the guts to be super-evil like him. And I guess there was that other scene where Kylo TORTURES A YOUNG GIRL (what a guy!). That’s when Rey gets him to admit he’s insecure he’s not as bad ass as Darth Vader. So, in the end, what they’re really saying is Kylo Ren is MURDERING BILLIONS OF PEOPLE because he’s afraid everyone will find out he’s not actually a tough guy. But that’s totally different from being a GOOD PERSON.
Maybe it would’ve been helpful to actually SEE Kylo Ren show some mercy ONCE in the movie? Like, let’s say he had orders to kill a bunch of people but then doesn’t because he feels guilty about it. Like when they invade Knock Off-Yoda’s temple. Maybe Kylo was supposed to slaughter everyone just like he did at the start of the movie. But surprise – his father is there! You know, maybe actually play a scene between father and son BEFORE he murders him? Seems like it might be useful to SEE the conflict before you conclude it.
Anyway, you play all this emotional stuff with father and son as the B-side to the opening massacre where Kylo showed no mercy. And maybe Kylo lets Fake Yoda and all her Cantina friends live. Kylo defies the orders from Giant Gollum and shows compassion as a result of coming face-to-face with his father. You know, conflict. Growth. Complication. Almost like a real movie.
Then Kylo Ren could get yelled at by Giant Gollum, who calls him a pussy. So, now he’s got one good father (Han) saying “I know there’s good in you and I love you for it” and one bad father (Giant Gollum) saying “I know there’s good in you and I hate you for it.” Now poor Kylo is caught in the middle. And he ultimately makes a tragic choice and kills the good father and embraces the Dark Side. It’s the sad version of Luke’s journey.
I didn’t spend a lot of time guessing what this movie was going to be before I saw it, but I did think we’d get at least ONE scene with Han and Luke together. Who knew that wasn’t in the cards? And how about that final moment, huh? How awkward was that?
I kept wondering how the dialogue would’ve play out if they hadn’t just slammed to credits. I assume it would’ve gone something like this…
REY: Hey, Mr. Skywalker, while you were standing on this cliff, your best friend was murdered.
LUKE: Ohmygod! Han is dead? When did this happen?
REY: Like… two hours ago.
LUKE: Was he killed because he fell back to his old smuggling ways?
REY: No. He did that safely for decades. He was killed by his son who was trained in the ways of the Force the very day Han tried to clean up the mess you left behind.
LUKE: Oh no… Why didn’t anyone call me?!
REY: Your number wasn’t listed.
LUKE: I am such an asshole.
Okay, now I get why they ended the scene when they did.
I guess I’m not really sure why they needed Luke so bad in the big picture. Sure, he’s Leia’s brother. But did Leia think Luke was going to turn the tide of the war? And if Luke really is the key to victory and is actually just hiding like a chump in Space Ireland, then haven’t the filmmakers invalidated one of cinema’s most iconic heroes?
I dunno… seems to me that they didn’t really think this one out.
I mean, old Ben never gave up, and that guy saw the Fall of the Republic and watched everyone he knows die at the hands of his best friend. Yeah sure, he was hiding out on Tatooine, but he was also there to protect Luke. So, he never really punched out, as far as I can tell. He was still on the Jedi clock. And he clearly let the Rebellion know where he was all that time. It’s how Leia knew to fly to Tatooine in order to enlist his help to win the war. Ben was still in the game!
Leia flew to his hiding place in Tatooine and ALMOST made it, too. When she got stopped by Vader, she improvised and sent Artoo instead with the Death Star plans. And because Ben was protecting Luke, they all crossed paths and ultimately saved the day. It wasn’t random luck. It was backstory coming together in the present. It all makes sense and everyone seems pretty smart and heroic, too. Kind of what you want in your fantasy space movie.
But in this one, BB-8 is on a planet with not only Max Von Sydow and the secret map, but ALSO a super-untrained Jedi AND the Millennium Falcon AND an ex-Stormtrooper than knows how to blow up the bad guy’s base???
Wow… Seems like a lot of random super-important stuff all on one planet.
And speaking of random, sure is an amazing coincidence that the one person who finds the broken Millennium Falcon is Han Solo. I mean, I know they said some bullshit line about finding them with scanners. But he was in the middle of a smuggling job transporting those CGI tentacle monsters. Does he always have Chewie sitting in the corner running a “Find Falcon search?” Has Chewie been hitting “refresh” for thirty years? And then magically this one day he goes “Hey! There it is!”
And guess what? The Falcon is carrying a super-untrained Jedi, a robot with a map that leads to Luke AND an ex-Stormtrooper that knows exactly where to shoot the evil planet to blow it up! It’s a good thing Han found them, because he knows the head of the Resistance and can fly them to her secret base! Whew… that sure is lucky. And good writing!
Oh, well… I guess there were other things that confused me, too. Like why was poor Artoo just stuffed in a corner with a sheet over him for the past 15 years? After all he did, I would’ve thought Leia might at least put him in a nice closet or something.
Not sure why Artoo woke up magically at the right time, either. Maybe it was the Force. Or maybe BB asked, “Hey! I have part of a map that leads to Luke! You don’t happen to have the rest of it, do you?”
And did Leia know Artoo had the rest of the map? Because seems like they were only missing one small hole. Couldn’t Leia have sent Oscar Issacs out to search that one corner of the galaxy? Maybe in a ship filled with a bunch of probe droids? That’s a good trick! I think I saw that in a movie once. Seemed to work out for those guys, if memory serves.
I don’t know… There’s other stuff I didn’t get. Like why Yoda-Not-Yoda had Luke’s lightsaber. Or who she was or what she even did. Or who is Giant Gollum and why does he look like a video game character from 2002?
And I know it’s “space fantasy,” but was that ice planet RIGHT NEXT to that star? And when the planet sucks the star dry, wouldn’t the planet instantly freeze and kill all life on it? I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure “dark” is the least of their problems. And when the star is gone, does the planet fly to another star? Or do they have to build another Starkiller from scratch every time? Oh boy…
I guess people could write me with the answers, but I just remembered I don’t care…