Battle Of The Absolute Equals is an SB4MC feature that seeks to definitively rank and compare two indistinguishable films. Unless otherwise noted, each of the following figures and statistics is accurate per film.
- Leads who look quite like, but not entirely like, our earliest memories of Goldie Hawn: one
- Amount that creepiness of film’s premise has mellowed in the years between iterations: not at all
- Explicit or implicit acknowledgments of said creepiness within the narrative: none
- Amount that said creepiness is mitigated by gender-swapping the leads: 5%
- Amount that it is amplified by changing the enslaved party to a Mexican national: 6%
- Fraud/kidnapping conspiracies that hinge on an amnesiac being certain only a spouse could be aware of his or her ass blemishes: one
- Number of ‘can’t figure out the chores’ montages over hot ’80s guitar licks, average: 0.5
- Instances of French language proficiency used as a signifier for extreme wealth, discovered accidentally by an amnesiac yet sparking no memory of his or her station in life: one
- Other scenes from the first script that they forgot to rewrite for the second: roughly nine
- Change in number of rambunctious children entrusted to loathsome aristocrat slave: -1
- Change in rambunctiousness of said children: -95%
- Romantic content of film hinging on fact that rich people, if they were only to spend a month struggling through mild poverty and providing childcare, should surely abandon comfort itself and fall in love with their captors: 100%
- Amount of money said rich person ends up carrying forward into their psychotically ill-considered new life, utterly negating whatever message about hard-scrabble romantic authenticity the film had hoped to establish: $60,000,000 and up
FINAL SCORE: THESE ARE THE SAME MOVIE, BUT IN THIS CASE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE, SO THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS FEATURE IS SOMEWHAT COMPROMISED.