Yes, you might have recently seen lists that encapsulate the best films of 2013, or the most fascinating ones, or the 10 most frequently quoted bits of Ned Beatty dialogue, but this one is more important. It is the most important top 10 of 2013.
As is Stand By For Mind Control tradition, we now present the top 10 weirdest search terms internet denizens have used to find our glorious website in increasing order of unintentional brilliance.
10. Aliens mind control sharks
Like, duh. Of course aliens mind control sharks! How else would these monsters from the deep manage to so cleverly bite Samuel L. Jackson in half time and again? Unless that didn’t really happen? Sometimes I get confused about what I’ve seen in a movie and what I’ve just carved into my arm with a bear’s tooth.
I guess I better do a google search for ‘aliens mind control sharks bite Sam Jackson in half real?’ to find out.
9. You have the right to remain naked
You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. You have the right to insert eclairs into your orifices. You have the right—nay the DUTY to remain naked, especially if you originally got starkers in order to outfox sharks being mind controlled by aliens.
They will never see through your clever un-disguise. Particularly if you shave occult symbols into your back hair with a bear’s tooth.
8. Otter I’d like you to meet
What? Another one? Don’t you know any muskrats? I’m lousy with otters. How about a jovial stoat? Perhaps a ferret? Here’s a fetching young capybara named Jugdish, and beside him a weasel called Clayton.
Just get to know each other, then decide if you want to form a boy band together. You can be lead singer.
7. How to sit through the movie Lincoln
Finally, someone is making some sense. Lincoln is challenging to sit through if you believe the Supreme Being. But let us not have it said that we don’t take our readers seriously. Here’s how to sit through the movie Lincoln:
First, remove your clothes to outfox the alien mind controlled sharks. Then get a box of eclairs—it’s actually better if they’re not too fresh, trust me. Finally, make yourself a nice pile of otters and bury yourself down to the squirmy bottom.
Uh oh. Now I’ve done it. I suspect that this time next year the phrase “squirmy bottom” is going to appear on a top 10 list.
6. Jonah Hill and his penis
You! Get me Jonah Hill! And his penis! Chop chop, mister.
Chop chop is an EXPRESSION! It’s not an instruction to be taken literally. When I said Jonah Hill and his penis I meant as one complete package. What am I going to do with Jonah Hill’s unattached penis?
That is a rhetorical question, so shut it.
5. Bad guys make a bad sex with animals
Sing it sister. There ought to be a law.
What? There is a law? The Frewly-Clort Animal Sex Act of 1951? I always thought that was a porn film? You can see where I’d get confused with a title like that. What’s the law say?
That if you’re going to diddle an otter you’ve got be good at it? I guess that makes sense. Only bad guys would make a bad sex with animals. I guess I better start taking animal sex classes. A satisfied animal a happy home makes.
4. Cartoon slug on oxygen postal
Bat wanger in diploid extrusion? Hoppy chigger with endoplasmic flechette? Sure. We got some of those. I’ve also got an old box of cartoon slugs on helium postal, but oxygen?
What are you nuts?
Stop wasting my fucking time.
3. Things you can pawn to Denmark
Seriously? I know they say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but that is a stupid goddamned question.
Denmark will take absolutely anything. Why do you think we’re out of cartoon slug on oxygen postals?
Pawned it to Denmark. That’s how I got this bitchin’ windmill.
2. How would James Bond stop a villain intent on making the sky literally fall
Quick! Get me a meeting with Albert Broccoli! What? He’s dead? I don’t care! Even his corpse is smart enough to greenlight this idea!
Just picture it: Half Moonraker / half Chicken Little. We’ll get Jonah Hill and his penis to play the villain and if all turns sour we can just pawn the damn thing to Denmark.
Seriously. They’ll take anything.
1. Best megical smart movie hollywood ever
That is a tough question. What is the best megical smart movie hollywood ever?
I’m going with Timecop. Or wait! Not Timecop. The best megical smart movie hollywood ever is indubitably Forest Gump.
Unless it’s something that’s coming out in 2014? Let’s hope this year is filled with nothing but truly megical smart movie hollywoods. That is my wish for you.
Megical smart movie hollywoods for everyone!