Going Ape #5: Battle For The Planet of The Apes
If there’s one good thing to be said about Battle For The Planet of The Apes—and there is indeed only one—it’s that the previous three movies in the series are retrospectively brilliant in comparison.
Author Archives: Supreme Being
Mind Control Double Feature #97: Dead Writers
In which a pair of crazy writers write themselves into early graves.
Genius Star Wars Spin-Off Idea #1: Song of The Rancor
The first in a sure-to-be-endless series of genius ideas we, the kind souls at Mind Control, offer to the Disney Empire free of charge.
Vollmann’s Argall vs. Malick’s The New World vs. Disney’s Pocahontas
In which three versions of the same history shed light on the story-tellers behind them.
Going Ape #4: Conquest of The Planet of The Apes
We last left the apes wondering if Zira and Cornelius’s baby would grow up and spawn a race of super-intelligent apes that would one day take over the world. WRONG! Well, sort of.
Godzilla, Or: Why Bother With Humans?
It’s a movie. About Godzilla. In 2014. He destroys some stuff, fights a couple of other monsters. There are people in the movie, but not so you’d notice.
The Double: One Movie, Twice The Boredom
In which Jesse Eisenberg plays two of himself, neither of whom is likely to keep you awake for a full 90 minutes.
Mind Control Double Feature #95: Oh, Those Sultry Western Women
‘Scuse me while I whip this out.
Romero’s Day of The Dead, Or: Who Wants A Pet Zombie?
Listen up, Bub: what we got here are a bunch of staggering zombies and a bunch of yelling humans. Guess which ones are more interesting?
Young & Beautiful, Or: The Upside Of Teenage Prostitution As A Means Of Personal Growth
Do you want to watch a 21-year-old supermodel play a 17-year-old teenager discovering her sexuality by becoming a prostitute and having hot naked sex with strange men in expensive hotel rooms?
Going Ape #3: Escape From The Planet Of The Apes
Ape madness continues with a movie you will hardly credit existing, even if, like me, you watched it last night.
The Big Fake Head That Is Frank
The main thing Frank has going for it is that Frank is a guy who wears a giant fake head and never takes it off. Which is good for quite a bit of entertainment before the movie falls apart.
Mind Control Double Feature #93: Of Trains And Men
What’s that? You got in a fight? And you won? That’s very impressive of you. Whom did you fight? Was it—a human being? Yawn. A real man doesn’t fight other men. He fights trains.
Going Ape #2: Beneath The Planet Of The Apes
In which I venture into the first of The Planet of The Apes sequels, and do not emerge unscathed.