Second-Hand Hearts: Hal Ashby’s Total Heart Failure
Second-Hand Hearts was simply too weak to survive.
Romero’s Day of The Dead, Or: Who Wants A Pet Zombie?
Listen up, Bub: what we got here are a bunch of staggering zombies and a bunch of yelling humans. Guess which ones are more interesting?
500 Days of Yammer
Hello in German!
Young & Beautiful, Or: The Upside Of Teenage Prostitution As A Means Of Personal Growth
Do you want to watch a 21-year-old supermodel play a 17-year-old teenager discovering her sexuality by becoming a prostitute and having hot naked sex with strange men in expensive hotel rooms?
Mind Control Double Feature #94: Two Heads Are Better Than None
I’m of two minds about this week’s Mind Control Double Feature.
Going Ape #3: Escape From The Planet Of The Apes
Ape madness continues with a movie you will hardly credit existing, even if, like me, you watched it last night.
Fast & Furious Four Real, You Guys
It is impossible to deny. After The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Tres Fast Tres Furious, Fast & Furious is unquestionably the fourth film in this series of auto-racing movies of erratic quality.
10 Critical Things to Know About The Amazing Spider-Man 2
The only thing that’s important to know about The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is that not even seeing it at the drive-in will make it a good movie.
The Big Fake Head That Is Frank
The main thing Frank has going for it is that Frank is a guy who wears a giant fake head and never takes it off. Which is good for quite a bit of entertainment before the movie falls apart.
Locke (& Pop) with Tom Hardy
The point is to know, for the length of the trip to London, a man.
Mind Control Double Feature #93: Of Trains And Men
What’s that? You got in a fight? And you won? That’s very impressive of you. Whom did you fight? Was it—a human being? Yawn. A real man doesn’t fight other men. He fights trains.
Once Again, They Are Making The Wrong Star Wars Movie
If someone would announce a Star Wars movie that took place during the original war that had no episode number and no mention of a Skywalker, then I would get excited.
Best of Bay Area Film — May 2014
April showers bring May flowers. May flowers be enough to make up for my recommending you see the latest remake of Godzilla.
Going Ape #2: Beneath The Planet Of The Apes
In which I venture into the first of The Planet of The Apes sequels, and do not emerge unscathed.