So Many Movies to Not Watch

Having a hard time deciding what not to watch? Please allow Stand By For Mind Control special correspondent MC Frontalot to help you out by watching many movies he — and you — should keep clear of your optical sockets.

 

I've got killer tits.

I’ve got killer tits.

Lucy (2014)

Unutterably dumb and carelessly racist sci-fi romp. Probably a medium amount of fun to watch in service of drinking games.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 2

 

Have you seen my acting talent?

Have you seen my acting talent?

Gone Girl (2014)

Spoiler alert: this movie sucks. Ben Affleck still can’t act and the script is retrograde hogwash in which women’s abuse claims are always suspicious (and probably sinister).

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 3

 

You get what you pay for.

You get what you pay for.

Dumb And Dumber To (2014)

The first one wasn’t very funny, but at least it was cheerful. This one is thoroughly depressing. Everyone’s so old and tired and mean.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 3.5

 

A doodle do.

A doodle do.

Stretch (2014)

Insufferable douchebag hero bumbles his way through an intensely unfunny satire of Los Angeles nightlife. Alarmingly hateful trash.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 9

 

Like Swingers, but boring.

Like Swingers, but boring.

Chef (2014)

The most sentimental claptrap. A little boy teaches his father to love again by posting his sandwiches on twitter. You will barf in your mouth.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 4

 

If you wanted to watch Adam Sandler fuck an ostrich, your wishes have come true.

If you wanted to watch Adam Sandler fuck an ostrich, your wishes have come true.

Blended (2014)

Schmaltzy family slapstick, all heart yet strikingly insensitive and tone-deaf. Writers did not see fit to include even one good joke. Infuriating.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 8

 

Do you dare enter the suggestive wall crotch?

Do you dare enter the suggestive wall crotch?

The Maze Runner (2014)

Somehow even more witless and insulting to teens than the several other nearly identical Hunger Games rip-offs. Very hard to pay attention to.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 7

 

I can only make one tits joke per post due to union rules.

I can only make one tits joke per post due to union rules.

The Other Woman (2014)

Boring slog through a half-hearted revenge play, slathered with a false sheen of empowerment.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 6.5

 

Look! Johnny Depp isn't wearing a stupid hat!!!!

Look! Johnny Depp isn’t wearing a stupid hat!!!!

Transcendence (2014)

Johnny Depp turns into an evil computer. Seems like that would be pretty fun. Sure isn’t though.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 3

 

Gerard BUTT-WADD! (and hello to Jason Isaacs)

Gerard BUTT-WADD! (and hello to Jason Isaacs)

Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

Chock full of gratuitous right-wing fantasies about torture and small arms proficiency. Grimly racist and exploitative at every turn.

UNWATCHABILITY RATING: 5

 

When I was a boy, those stars were in my eyes.

When I was a boy, those stars were in my eyes.

Last Vegas (2013)

You’ve possibly never seen so much veteran talent squandered so thoughtlessly. A grave injury to the legacy of American film.

UNWATCHABILTY RATING: 4.5

 

 

 

 

12 responses on “So Many Movies to Not Watch

  1. You’re a brave man, Frontalot, watching movies like these. I only saw two of them, Stretch and Gone Girl, both of which were terrible.

  2. I don’t understand the ratings. Is “1” relatively watchable, and “10” absolutely unwatchable. If so, I think Transcendence deserves a 10. I tried to watch it on a flight, but couldn’t sit throught it. On a flight, fer chrissakes. It was worse than staring at the seat in front of me for two hours. I think Johnny Depp was drunk during most of the filming. I felt bad for anyone who had a scene with him.

  3. Oh, I forgot: I couldn’t sit through Olympus Has Fallen, either. So that’s a ’10’ for me. I did sit through Gone Girl, but not with anything resembling satisfaction or interest. So I don’t know, is that like a 5?

    • My unwatchability ratings are very scientific and carefully calculated. If you disagree with any of them, you probably need to recalibrate your equipment.

      • I thought that Lucy was tolerable… but, only because I imagined it as a prequel to Fifth Element.

  4. Anyone who thinks Olympus has Fallen was a bad movie has zero taste. Blended was your typical Sandler romantic comedy…if thats what you are in mood for then Blended is fine. I found it better than 50 first dates. Last Vegas was fun and entertaining…if.you are watching it planning on watching an academy award winning movie than.you are an idiot

    • I turned off Olympus Has Fallen in the middle of the initial assault sequence, shortly after Gerard Butler’s “character” managed to wedge his way into the middle of all the shooting and explosions. Did it get better after that?

      • No. It just got more knife-in-facey. But Tom liked it a lot.

        Although it is April Fools today. Maybe he’s pranking us?

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.