To call Tim Burton’s ’01 “re-imagining” of Planet of The Apes aggressively awful would be to do it a kindness. I fear no assemblage of words will do the wretchedness of this movie justice. Give a single monkey a single typewriter, a deadline, and a bottle of bourbon, he’d write a movie better than this one.
Is Borgman a man? A faerie? A nimble forest sprite? A demon? Whatever he is, he’s going to be trouble. You don’t want to mess with Borgman. You want to stick an eight foot spike through him.
For your perusal, here’s the first review by our new, highly unpaid intern, Jimbo “Wally” Smoop.
Perhaps it’s just good for a comedy sequel, which is an awfully low bar to leap.
There are a few good things to be said about the new Godzilla. The best thing to be said is that it inspired a theatrical re-release of the original, Raymond Burr-free Japanese version from 1954.
To see quite a few more words, and to find out whether that’s a good or a bad “wow,” come on inside.
If there’s one good thing to be said about Battle For The Planet of The Apes—and there is indeed only one—it’s that the previous three movies in the series are retrospectively brilliant in comparison.
I should have stopped watching these films after Fast Five.
It is the presidential candidate of films — attempting to be all things to all people and so succeeding in taking a stand on nothing, evincing zero honesty or insight.
Say what you will about this franchise, or about Vin Diesel, or style over substance director Justin Lin, or even screenwriter Chris Morgan — this film is stupid good.
We last left the apes wondering if Zira and Cornelius’s baby would grow up and spawn a race of super-intelligent apes that would one day take over the world. WRONG! Well, sort of.
It’s a movie. About Godzilla. In 2014. He destroys some stuff, fights a couple of other monsters. There are people in the movie, but not so you’d notice.
In which Jesse Eisenberg plays two of himself, neither of whom is likely to keep you awake for a full 90 minutes.
Listen up, Bub: what we got here are a bunch of staggering zombies and a bunch of yelling humans. Guess which ones are more interesting?